Monday, August 30, 2004

عزاء الرجال في الكويت

I was about to - belatedly - comment on Pink's post about women's condolence rituals in Kuwait, but decided to do a whole post instead about men's rituals. But where in hell did she find that word "obsequies"? It sounds so Victorian.

I feel bad talking about it today, since I've already gone to 2 condolences so far this week, with 2 more to go الله يعدّي الأسبوع على خير, but here goes... Once again, we men have it better than the women because when we go to a diwania to pay our respects to the deceased's family, we're in and out so fast it doesn't take more than 3 minutes and we're done with the whole thing. My mother and sisters always envy me for this.

However, there's more to that simplicity than meets the eye, and I've noticed some weird - if not disturbing - trends:
  1. The amount of people descending on any diwania is proportionate to the deceased family's wealth and social standing.
  2. This also affects the number of distant "relatives", young and old, hanging around for 3 days at the diwania just to see and be seen. "You may have seen me here or there and not known who I was, well now you do!"
  3. The bigger diwanias have more rooms on the side, where the relatives can relax after being on their feet all day. It helps to sit there in a vantage point with your eye on the door, so you can catch anyone you may have important business with. Many deals are sealed at condolences. Ditto for wedding receptions.
  4. If the deceased is from the poor side of a wealthy family, the attendance level drops dramatically.
  5. Even for a 3-minute ritual, some men can't leave their mobile phones in the car.
  6. An increasing number of men walk in holding their mobiles and sunglasses in one hand and shaking hands with the other. They are not aware that their dishdasha has 3 pockets. I hate them!!
  7. Many men make a point of going in the morning during working hours just to show the world that they are masters of their own destiny and not stuck in a desk job with the rest of the "working class". Others actually do have time to spare.. in spades!
  8. The afternoon condolences are the reserve of the young and energetic, who don't take 2-hour naps after lunch.
  9. Parking laws are thrown out the window, especially at diwanias located on main ring roads.
  10. If you have the police organizing traffic and parking at your condolences, it means you are one hell of a bigshot. Ditto for your son's wedding reception.

Shi'a condolences usually take place in a mosque or "husseiniya", which kind of makes sense since they are places of worship. It can take up to 10 minutes to be done with the ritual there, because most of them are so vast that you need time to walk and find a seat after you're done offering your condolences to the family of the deceased. They are also more generous in that they offer water and tea or coffee, ما عندهم بخل النجادة والعياذ بالله
. One is also obliged to listen to a few passages from the Qur'an, usually from a stereo system, before leaving.

As for عزاء الشيوخ Al-Sabah condolences , I've always found them awkward. A huge room in the diwan with everybody from the family you can think of, whether related closely to the deceased or not. I never understood that. And because the room is packed with men receiving condolences, there is no room to sit, intentionally I assume. And then there's that awkward "holding room", which reminds me of planes circling over Heathrow waiting for instructions to land. You are held there with a bunch of people until somebody gives you the green light to go in. I should add that I hear the Al-Sabah family is the only ruling family in the Gulf that actually goes to pay respects and offer condolences to the country's families. Apparently - and correct me if I'm wrong - the other Gulf ruling families can't be bothered.

As a general rule, I only go to these things if I know someone directly related to the deceased. I myself have been on the receiving end a few times so I know how much this gesture is appreciated and reciprocated.

Oh, and I only go to the cemetery in winter.. never in summer, unless it's for really close friends and family.


16 comments:

  1. well you haven't listed what to do if you went to the cementry المقبره
    which a lot go to because
    1- its mostly in the morning , good exuse to go out of work
    2- there are 2 cemnetry in kuwait , you can't get lost

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  2. I got tired... and maybe because I really hate going there. I never arrive at the right time, and always end up just milling around, like waiting at the airport gate for a delayed flight.

    OK.. no more airport metaphors, I promise!

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  3. Victorian :) I like that

    Long live queen PS of S, ta3eeesh ta3eeeesh ta3eeeesh.

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  4. zaydoun what's wrong with u i thought u r above such a chicken nuggets subject have a MOJITO...bling

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  5. How is this a chicken nuggets subject?

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  6. U know what i mean (Pink Suede Shoes) typical chicken nugget

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  7. U know what i mean (Pink Suede Shoes) typical chicken nugget

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  8. Dear Z

    It sounds like a Conversation i had with you abt a certain relative of mine : )

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  9. Thank you Mosan. Please explain to your colleague

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  10. I hear the Al-Sabah family is the only ruling family in the Gulf that actually goes to pay respects and offer condolences to the country's families. Apparently - and correct me if I'm wrong - the other Gulf ruling families can't be bothered/Dunno about that. In Oman I've seen members of the royal family, the Al Said, at many different 3aza. Of course depending on whether they know the family or the decease. Some of them who are close to the deceased him/herself usually come around more than once during the three days of a 3aza and some even come for the last day's '7atma (sorry I don't have Arabic in this PC).

    In Oman all 3azas are held in mosques, not just for the shi3a, and the seating is always on the ground. You can't just go into a 3aza and be out in 3 minutes. If it's a shi3i 3aza they well give you a small 7izb of Quran which has around 10 pages to read and then you can leave after you're done. In the non-shi3a 3azas, depending on how crowded the place you might end up standing the whole time you're there. Of course it's much worse for the family of the deceased because they ending either standing on their feet for three days while meeting people who come in to give their condolensces, or just as bad they're sitting on the ground and have to spring up standing every few minutes as people come in.

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  11. Is there a way to Bluetooth your condolences to a diwaniya or send your Mandoob wearing a T-shrit that carries your full name...or maybe you just like spending your life here in Q8 between 3azas and 3roos and start carrying a besht under your arm for better Layaleena photos. Ass Kissing is a Kuwaiti trademark - Yes it is Ass Kissing if giving condolences to anyone is decided by how much the guy inherited or what kind of cars are parked outside the Diwaniya. And that goes to Women Condolences too. There is 3aza make up now..yeah maybe a girl will get lucky and would be seen by a mother of wealthy single boys...maybe she just feels better with make up on and jenas under the 3abaya...and yes even appetizers - cake - fingerfood are being served - waiting for the band now..or maybe Al-Qa99ar in black dishdasha can do the job.

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  12. Going to an 3gaza is a واجب (duty)in Kuwait. It is not about wealth or prestige or to be seen. It is about the family and claiming that wealth generates more people is totaly false. It is about who the person was, if the person was respected and honorable then a lot of people would come to pay their respects.

    In terms of what the graveyard looks like, the only way to compare it on airport is that it is a waiting area when the lines are long. The signs are very useful especially when it is really busy and not sure which line to be in.

    G3azas are a great place to reunite with people same with weddings, to catch up see whats happened in work and life. Sometimes the people you meet there are mostly work related so you dont have much to talk to besides the quick "hows the family?" then "how is work?".

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  13. I wasn't knocking the tradition of 3aza at all. In fact, I think it's a very honorable tradition.

    I was merely pointing out how some people disrespect the solemn and sad occasion.

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  14. I must confess that I was inspired to write about funerals and condolences because I've been watching the amazing series Six Feet Under, Seasons 1 & 2

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  15. It didn't seem like that in your post for you just listed the negative and what the minority does with out how they are disgracing the main benifit of the 3gaza in terms of being there for the friends and family of the deceased.

    Six Feet Under is amazing, I wont ruin season 3 for you.

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  16. And I prefaced by saying that I'm noticing quite a few disturbing trends... that's what I've been noticing for a few years now

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Keep it clean, people!