Thursday, January 13, 2005

Secret Lives

From the New York Times (free registration required)
...... but psychologists say that most normal adults are well equipped to start a secret life, if not to sustain it. The ability to hold a secret is fundamental to healthy social development, they say, and the desire to sample other identities - to reinvent oneself, to pretend - can last well into adulthood. And in recent years researchers have found that some of the same psychological skills that help many people avoid mental distress can also put them at heightened risk for prolonging covert activities.

"In a very deep sense, you don't have a self unless you have a secret, and we all have moments throughout our lives when we feel we're losing ourselves in our social group, or work or marriage, and it feels good to grab for a secret, or some subterfuge, to reassert our identity as somebody apart," said Dr. Daniel M. Wegner, a professor of psychology at Harvard. He added, "And we are now learning that some people are better at doing this than others."
I think that societal pressures in Kuwait have forced many Kuwaitis to lead secret lives in one form or another, away from their regular everyday existences. The Internet's various tools - blogs, forums, chat rooms etc. - have allowed many to invent a totally new persona for themselves, and have unleashed a range of talents, voices and experiences that were previously suppressed or perhaps undiscovered.

12 comments:

  1. I don't think evil has much to do with it... it's just a need to retain a private life that is nobody's business but your own

    Jewaira.. you were front and center in my thoughts when I read the NY Times article ;-)

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  2. Having a secret side to ones person is a good thing I guess. But to invent a persona and lead a secret life is taking it too far. I for one prefer an open life regardless of sociaties pressures. most of my life I was able to fend it off by not giving it any importance and at the sametime keeping my integrity!

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  3. Some people around me are leading very lame secret lives.. What a waste of secrecy.

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  4. Good example Samy. Same thing applies on me too; I am a totally different person with my friends.

    "In a very deep sense, you don't have a self unless you have a secret..."

    It should be a good thing to have secrets then, since having a self means having a character of one's own. It may not be unhealthy afterall.

    Good topic

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  5. Zaidoun
    Although blogs and internet are a way to unravel ones suppressed personalities, they are not so secret with our societies curious, and extremely witty minds. All will eventually be known. Secret lives the author is referring to is more evident in our society than anywhere else in the world. Here, most are with double standards, and multiple personalities. It all depends on where and how you meet them ;)

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  6. I used to believe in the ideal that we shouldn't live a lie, and should always be frank and open about how we live. Moving back to Kuwait made me realize the urgent importance of having a secret life. To protect personal mental health at least, especially since non-conformists are often ostracized in this type of society. Needless to say, I developed multiple personalities in Kuwait. human capablitiy to adapt is truly amazing indeed!

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  7. Luminous: you have put it in words beautifully n simply this agonizing realizaion that turns into a dillema. You spoke a truth thats out there.
    We adapt yes but the process for me was horribly hard, even though, I did not change much i resist it almost everyday I simply refuse bieng ambiguouse and to resort to lying so bluntly. This is and imprtant issue as it was said in another comment because we might make a mistake in the generation after us to think that reaching this hight of secrecy mixed with double standards is alright. or that it is excused. How can we make a change?I can see there is a lot of ppl out there who do not like living everything in secrecy so what are we to do?

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  8. beatnik:
    when I was living my life out in the open I was subjected to a lot of judgement...personally I decided it wasn't worth it. we live in a society that is infected with superficiality and double standards.
    The danger is that even independent thinkers become somehow brainwashed to conform and judge all those around them simply to avoid being ostracized.
    I think developing a community of creative, westernized and versatile individuals that are all willing to accept each other might alleviate the double life phenomena. I suppose its a matter of time, for people to get educated and more open minded. LOL..I've been here for more than a year, and I'm STILL finding ways to 'adapt'.

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  9. أبو حفص... الموضوع عن الحياة السرية لكل شخص، ومدى تفشي هذه الظاهرة في مجتمعنا الذي يتسرع في اطلاق الأحكام على الغير ضمن نظرة ضيقة لا تتقبل ما هو مختلف عن السائد

    أنت مثلاً لك شخصيتك المهووسة بالحمامات، لكن قد لا يعلم أهلك أي شيء عنها

    بعدين شدعوى إلى هالدرجة ميح بالانجليزي؟

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  10. tattas: Man you culdn;t be more wrong about the parents and raising thing. My father for example is a fantastcilly confused man, reaaaallly strict, Am not really allowed to go out, for example I cannot say am going to the souk alone and go off three hours god knows where, someone has to g with me and he won;t understand why I would need more than an hour to finish up,but then again he sent me all the way to Ireland alone for an education! Am 27 an not married because the thought of a strange man talking to me infuriates my father so taking the traditional way the Syrian do by exposing thier daughters to families and thier sons in public places and gatherings like the Bardawni and all those lebanese and syrian style eateries.That is a no no for him, he thinks it humiliating to parade me like that(me too lol) still he sits there wondering why am not getting proposals lol.
    Instead I live my private life exactly as it is PRIVATE not secret.
    And as you said there is some wonderfully exciting poeple in Kuwait, which I myself after 27 years in Kuwait just found out about it. silly me.

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  11. I used to be a man... Just kidding! :)

    My VERY un-virginal Kuwaiti girlfriends have to act like virgins. They were taught to fake who they really are at an early age - and guess what - they fake who they really are all the way up to marriage. Nobody ever really knows them! Gay male friends have to act straight and get married to prove to their parents that they're not really gay. Friends "forced" to marry by their families (grow up and say NO) can't stand each other, but stay married "for the kids"; everybody ends up cheating on everybody. AIDS is on the rise in Kuwait.

    What have secrets gotten Kuwait? Really. Why can't people be themselves, speak their minds - and still retain their culture? It CAN be done.

    I agree - it depends on how you are raised. If your parents teach you that it is okay to lie, then you'll fear exposing your true identity for your entire life.

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Keep it clean, people!